I’ve been thinking about leaving my current role and shifting my focus toward writing and community work for over a year. I have the savings. I’ve tested the interest. I know what I’d do. The path is clear.

But I haven’t done it. And if I’m honest about why, it comes down to this: I’m waiting for someone to tell me it’s okay.

Not anyone specific. Not my boss or my parents or some career advisor. Just… someone with authority to grant permission. Someone to look at my situation and say “Yes, this makes sense. You should do this. It’s the right move.”

What waiting for permission actually means: Permission-seeking is the act of outsourcing the authority over your own life to an imaginary gatekeeper who doesn’t exist. You already have every right to make decisions about your own time, your own career, your own path. The permission you’re waiting for is yours to give — and the longer you wait for it to come from somewhere else, the more you’re pretending the gate is locked when it never was.

— Tomer Rozenberg, Strategic Life: How to Build a Life That Matters

You’re waiting for permission you don’t need, from an authority that doesn’t exist.

TOMER ROZENBERG

The problem is that person doesn’t exist. Nobody has the authority to give me permission for my own life choices. I’m twenty-nine years old. I’m the only authority that matters here. And yet, I’m still waiting for permission that’s never coming, from an imaginary gatekeeper who has no actual power.

That’s when I realized: We’re all walking around waiting for permissions we don’t need, from authorities that don’t exist, for choices only we can make.

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The Permissions You’re Unconsciously Waiting For

Think about the decisions you’re not making, the moves you’re not taking, the things you’d do “if only…” What’s the “if only”? Often, it’s some form of permission.

If only someone would confirm this is the right choice. If only someone would say it’s okay to want this. If only someone would validate that this makes sense. If only someone would tell you you’re good enough, ready enough, deserving enough.

These permissions feel like practical constraints — you can’t do the thing until you have approval. But they’re actually imaginary gates we’ve constructed. Gates with no locks, guarded by no one, that we could walk through at any time but don’t because we’re waiting for someone to open them for us.

I’ve been waiting for permission to prioritize creative work over traditional career advancement. Waiting for someone to say “Yes, it’s okay to care more about impact than impressive titles.” But who would grant this permission? My parents, who have different values? My colleagues, who are playing a different game? Some imaginary council of people who understand my life better than I do?

The permission I’m waiting for can only come from me. But I keep acting like someone else needs to grant it first.

The Parent Voices That Still Run

A lot of the permissions we’re waiting for are rooted in childhood patterns. We’re still, at some level, waiting for a parent figure to tell us we can do the thing, that it’s okay, that we have approval.

I’ve noticed this in myself when I’m making decisions that diverge from what I was taught to value. I feel this pull to explain, to justify, to get approval — even though I’m an adult making my own choices. The parent voices are still running: “Are you sure this is wise?” “What about security?” “Shouldn’t you be more practical?”

These aren’t actual conversations I need to have. My parents are supportive and would back whatever I chose. But their voices, or my internalization of what I imagine they’d say, still create a sense that I need permission I’ve never actually been denied.

I’ve watched people in their thirties and forties still making major life decisions based on whether their parents would approve. Not because their parents are controlling or because they’re unusually dependent — just because the pattern of seeking parental permission is deeply ingrained. Even when you’re fully independent, even when you know intellectually that you don’t need anyone’s permission, the psychological pattern persists.

The Validation You’re Seeking

Sometimes what we’re calling permission is actually validation. We want someone to confirm that we’re good enough, that our choices make sense, that what we want is legitimate.

I want validation that focusing on writing instead of climbing the government career ladder is a reasonable choice. That choosing impact over prestige makes sense. That the way I want to spend my time and energy is valid, even if it doesn’t look like traditional success.

But who can give me that validation? Who has the standing to declare that my priorities are correct? The validation I’m seeking can only come from me deciding that my values matter, regardless of whether anyone else validates them.

I’ve seen people wait years for validation that they’re good enough to start something. Good enough to call themselves a writer, an artist, an entrepreneur. Waiting for someone with authority to say “Yes, you’re qualified to do this now.” But that validation never comes because there’s no authority who grants those permissions.

You don’t get certified as “good enough to write.” You just write and either you’re good or you get better. You don’t get approval to start a business. You just start one and either it works or it doesn’t. The validation you’re waiting for doesn’t exist as something someone can give you. It only exists as something you give yourself by doing the thing.

The Gatekeepers Who Aren’t There

We create imaginary gatekeepers for choices that don’t actually have gates. We act like there’s someone controlling access to the life we want, when actually the path is open — we’re just standing in front of it, waiting for someone to let us through.

I’ve been acting like there’s a gatekeeper for “leaving a stable career for creative work.” Someone who reviews your case and decides if you’re allowed to make that choice. But there is no gatekeeper. There’s just the choice, available to me whenever I’m willing to make it.

The same is true for most of the permissions we’re waiting for. There’s no gatekeeper for starting a business, for ending a relationship, for moving to a new city, for changing careers, for pursuing creative work, for living differently than people expect.

We’ve constructed these imaginary authorities because it’s comfortable. If you need permission and don’t have it, you’re not responsible for staying stuck. You’re just waiting for approval. It’s not your fault you’re not moving forward — you’re being blocked by the gatekeeper.

But the gatekeeper isn’t real. You’re creating the gate, posting an imaginary guard, and then acting like you can’t pass until someone who doesn’t exist gives you permission they don’t have the power to grant.

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Why We Keep Waiting

Waiting for permission serves several purposes, which is why we keep doing it even though we know, intellectually, that we don’t need anyone’s permission.

First, it postpones risk. As long as you’re waiting for permission, you don’t have to take the leap. You don’t have to face whether it will work, whether you’ll succeed, whether you made the right choice. The waiting protects you from the risk of actually doing the thing.

Second, it distributes responsibility. If someone tells you to do something and it goes badly, you can blame them. But if you give yourself permission and it goes badly, you’re fully responsible. Waiting for external permission is a way of trying to share the responsibility for your own choices.

Third, it maintains the fantasy that someone knows better than you what you should do. That there’s an authority somewhere who can see your life more clearly than you can, who can tell you the right answer. This fantasy is comforting even though it’s false. You know your life better than anyone else does. You’re the only one who can give yourself permission for your choices.

I’ve noticed that when I’m waiting for permission, I’m really waiting for certainty. I want someone to confirm that this choice will work out, that I won’t regret it, that it’s the right move. But nobody can give me that certainty. The future is uncertain regardless of who gives permission. I’m just trying to outsource the uncertainty to an imaginary authority.

The Permission Only You Can Give

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: for most of the things you’re waiting for permission to do, you’re the only person who can grant that permission. Nobody else has the authority. Nobody else knows your life well enough. Nobody else is responsible for your choices.

You don’t need permission to quit the job you hate. You need to decide that leaving is worth the costs and uncertainty. You don’t need permission to end a relationship that isn’t working. You need to decide that ending it is better than staying. You don’t need permission to pursue the creative work you care about. You need to decide that’s how you want to spend your time.

The permission you’re waiting for translates to: You deciding that your choice is valid. You determining that the thing you want is worth pursuing. You accepting responsibility for the outcome. You granting yourself the authority to make choices about your own life.

This connects to something I write about in The Three Questions That Changed How I Make Every Decision — the moment you stop asking “is this allowed?” and start asking “does this align with where I want to go?” is the moment you actually become the author of your own choices.

Wise Counsel vs. Seeking Permission

I want to be clear: I’m not saying you shouldn’t seek advice or input from people whose judgment you trust. There’s a difference between seeking wise counsel and seeking permission.

Wise counsel helps you think more clearly about your choices. It offers perspective, points out things you might not be considering, helps you understand the implications of different paths. It comes from people who know you well and care about your wellbeing.

Seeking permission is different. It’s looking for someone to take responsibility for your choice. To grant you authority to do something you already have authority to do. To validate that your desires are legitimate. To confirm you’re making the right choice, even though nobody can know that.

The difference is subtle but important. Counsel informs your decision. Permission tries to outsource it. Counsel treats you as the authority on your own life who needs input. Permission treats someone else as the authority who needs to grant approval.

Permission to Give Yourself Permission

Here’s what I want you to know: You have permission to give yourself permission.

You don’t need anyone else to validate your choices, approve your desires, confirm you’re ready, or tell you it’s okay. You’re an adult making choices about your own life. You’re the only authority that matters.

The thing you’d do “if someone just told you it was okay” — you can do it. The permission you’re waiting for won’t come from outside. It can only come from you deciding that what you want is legitimate, that your choice is valid, that you have the authority to make decisions about your own life.

Stop waiting for the validation that’s not coming. Stop looking for the authority figure who will tell you it’s okay. Stop treating your choices like they need external approval to be legitimate.

You’re waiting for permission you don’t need, from an authority that doesn’t exist, for choices only you can make. And every day you wait is a day you’re giving away your own authority to imaginary gatekeepers who have no actual power.

The permission you need is yours to give. You’ve always had the authority. The gate was never locked. You were just standing in front of it, waiting for someone to open it, when you could have walked through at any time.

Your life. Your choices. Your permission to give.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do we wait for permission we don’t actually need?

Because waiting postpones risk, distributes responsibility, and maintains the comfortable fiction that someone else has better answers about your life than you do. If you need permission and haven’t received it, you don’t have to act. The imaginary gatekeeper becomes a useful excuse for staying where you are. What feels like waiting for approval is often really waiting for certainty — and since certainty never comes, neither does action.

What is the difference between seeking advice and seeking permission?

Advice informs your decision — it gives you perspective, points out blind spots, helps you think more clearly while leaving you as the authority. Permission tries to outsource the decision itself — it looks for someone else to take responsibility, to validate your desires, to confirm you’re allowed. Counsel treats you as the rightful decision-maker who needs input. Permission-seeking treats someone else as the authority who needs to approve.

How do you stop waiting for external permission and give it to yourself?

Start by naming what you’re actually waiting for. Usually it’s certainty, validation, or someone to share the responsibility if things go wrong. Then recognize that none of that is coming from outside. The certainty doesn’t exist. The validation can only come from you deciding your choice is valid. The responsibility was always yours. Once you see clearly that you’re the only authority that matters for your own life choices, the waiting loses its logic — and the acting becomes possible.

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