A mentor told me something three years ago that I immediately dismissed as terrible advice. I was stressed about a project at work — too many moving parts, not enough time, feeling behind. And I asked her how to handle it.
She said: “Stop trying so hard. Sometimes the solution is doing less, not more.”
I nodded politely and ignored her completely. Because that’s obviously wrong. When you’re behind on something, you work harder, not less hard. You increase effort, not decrease it. You do more, not less. That’s how you solve problems.
Except I keep encountering situations where her advice turns out to be right. Where the solution actually is doing less. Where increasing effort makes things worse and decreasing effort makes them better. Where the counterintuitive approach works and the obvious approach doesn’t.
Why counterintuitive advice is often right: Most problem-solving instincts are calibrated for a particular category of problem — the kind that responds to effort, persistence, and direct action. But a whole class of problems — creative blocks, relationship tensions, complex systems, situations where your effort is part of the problem — responds better to stepping back, doing less, or simply waiting. The advice that sounds wrong is often pointing at this second category.
— Tomer Rozenberg, Strategic Life: How to Build a Life That Matters
There’s advice that sounds terrible, contrarian, or just wrong when you first hear it. But you keep encountering situations where it turns out to be right. And eventually you have to accept that maybe this counterintuitive advice is actually wisdom you’ve been resisting.
It happened again last month. I was working on a piece of writing that wasn’t coming together. I kept trying harder — longer hours, more revisions, more effort. And it kept getting worse. More forced. Less coherent. Further from what I wanted it to be.
Then I remembered my mentor’s advice. And I tried the opposite. I stopped. Took two days completely away from it. Did other things. Didn’t think about it at all.
When I came back, the solution was obvious. The problem I’d been trying to force my way through solved itself when I stopped trying. The counterintuitive approach — doing less — worked better than the obvious approach of doing more.
And I’m realizing there’s a whole category of advice like this. Advice that sounds wrong but keeps proving right. That contradicts what you’ve been taught but aligns with what actually works. That you resist for years before finally accepting that maybe — annoyingly — it’s true.
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Why It Sounds Wrong
The advice sounds wrong because it contradicts common wisdom about how problem-solving works.
Common wisdom says: when something isn’t working, try harder. Increase effort. Do more. Push through obstacles. Persistence is how you succeed. Giving up or doing less is how you fail.
This makes intuitive sense. Problems require solutions. Solutions require effort. More effort should lead to better solutions. It’s a simple equation: problem + effort = solution. More effort = better solution.
So advice that says “do less” or “stop trying” or “give up on this approach” sounds like giving up. Like you’re not serious about solving the problem. Like you’re taking the easy way out instead of doing the hard work required.
And in many cases, that intuition is right. Many problems do require more effort. Persistence is often valuable. Working harder does frequently lead to better results. The common wisdom exists for good reason.
But there’s a whole category of problems where the common wisdom fails. Where trying harder makes things worse. Where more effort creates more problems. Where the solution requires doing less, not more. And the advice that addresses these situations sounds wrong because it contradicts the general principle we’ve been taught.
Encountering Situations Where It Applies
I keep running into situations where counterintuitive advice turns out to be right. Not occasionally — regularly. Enough that I can’t dismiss it as coincidence anymore.
The writing example is one. When writing isn’t working, the solution is often stepping away rather than pushing through. The breakthrough comes when you stop trying, not when you try harder. Your mind needs space to work on problems unconsciously, and conscious effort sometimes blocks that process.
Or relationships. When there’s tension with someone, the obvious approach is to address it directly, have a conversation, work through it. But sometimes the solution is just letting time pass without addressing it. The tension resolves on its own when you stop focusing on it. Trying to fix it actively makes it worse because it keeps the issue present and elevated.
Or career advancement. The obvious approach is positioning yourself strategically, making sure people know about your accomplishments, actively pursuing promotions. But I’ve seen people advance faster by just doing excellent work and letting the work speak for itself. The active pursuit creates a sense of striving that’s less attractive than confident competence.
In each case, the counterintuitive approach worked better. And each time, I resisted it initially because it shouldn’t work. It contradicts what I’ve been taught about how to solve problems.
Other Examples of Advice That Sounds Wrong
Since paying attention to this pattern, I’ve noticed other pieces of advice that initially sound wrong but keep proving right.
“The thing you’re avoiding is the thing you need to do.” Sounds like tough-love oversimplification. But it’s true remarkably often. The conversation you’re putting off, the decision you’re delaying, the discomfort you’re sidestepping — frequently that’s exactly what needs to happen. Your avoidance is often a signal about what’s important.
“You already know the answer.” Sounds dismissive of genuine uncertainty. But when someone asks for advice and I ask what they think they should do, they almost always know. The problem isn’t lack of knowledge — it’s lack of courage to act on what they know. Or they want permission. Or they want someone to validate a choice they’ve already made.
“You can’t think your way out of feelings.” Sounds anti-intellectual. But it’s true. You can’t analyze your way out of sadness or logic your way out of anxiety. Feelings require feeling them, not solving them. Trying to think through emotional problems often just creates more thinking without resolving the feeling.
“Trying to be impressive makes you less impressive.” Sounds like paradox. But people who try hard to seem impressive come across as insecure. People who are genuinely competent without performing it are actually impressive. This connects directly to what I explore in The Difference Between Being Heard and Being Listened To — the effort to be noticed is often the thing that prevents you from being noticed.
“Sometimes the kindest thing is saying no.” Sounds harsh. But saying yes when you don’t have capacity leads to resentment, poor follow-through, and ultimately letting people down. Saying no honestly is kinder than saying yes and failing to deliver.
Each of these sounds wrong when you first hear it. Each contradicts some piece of common wisdom. And each, I keep finding, is right more often than it should be.
Accumulating Evidence
But the evidence keeps accumulating. Each time the counterintuitive approach works, it becomes slightly harder to dismiss.
The first time stepping away from writing worked better than pushing through, I thought it was coincidence. Maybe I was just tired. Maybe I would have figured it out anyway.
The second time, I thought maybe it was specific to creative work. Maybe stepping away helps with writing but wouldn’t help with other kinds of problems.
The third time, I started thinking: okay, there might be a pattern here. Maybe for certain kinds of problems, doing less actually works better than doing more.
By the tenth time, I couldn’t deny it anymore. This isn’t coincidence. This is a real pattern. For a significant category of problems, the counterintuitive approach is consistently more effective than the obvious approach.
When to Apply Counterintuitive Advice
The hardest part isn’t accepting that counterintuitive advice can be right. It’s figuring out when to apply it versus when to stick with obvious approaches.
I’m learning that counterintuitive advice tends to work in situations involving:
Diminishing returns on effort. When you’ve already tried hard and it’s not working, trying harder often makes things worse. This is when stepping back, doing less, or stopping entirely becomes the right move. The counterintuitive approach works when the obvious approach has been exhausted.
Complex systems that resist direct control. Relationships, creative work, career advancement, personal growth — these involve complex dynamics that don’t respond well to force. Trying to control them directly often backfires. The counterintuitive approach of stepping back or letting things develop naturally works better.
Problems that need unconscious processing. When you’re stuck on something and conscious effort isn’t helping, your unconscious mind might need space to work on it. Stepping away lets unconscious processing happen. The solution emerges when you stop trying to force it consciously.
Situations where your effort is part of the problem. Sometimes your trying is what’s preventing the solution. Your effort creates tension that blocks what needs to happen. Removing your effort removes the tension.
Permission to Try What Sounds Wrong
Here’s what I want you to know: Some advice sounds wrong but is actually right. Some approaches contradict what you’ve been taught but work better than obvious approaches. You’re allowed to try counterintuitive methods even when they feel wrong.
You’re allowed to do less when everything in you says to do more. To step back when you’re trained to push forward. To stop trying when persistence seems required. To let things happen rather than making them happen.
Not always. Not for every situation. But more often than you think. Often enough that it’s worth considering the counterintuitive approach when the obvious approach isn’t working.
Living With Paradox
What I’m learning to accept is that both things can be true: effort matters AND sometimes doing less works better. Persistence is valuable AND sometimes stopping is the solution. Active problem-solving is often right AND sometimes letting time handle it is right.
These aren’t contradictions — they’re different approaches for different situations. The wisdom is in knowing which situation you’re in, not in having one universal strategy.
My mentor was right three years ago. Sometimes the solution is doing less, not more. I resisted that advice because it contradicted everything I’d been taught about problem-solving. But I’ve encountered enough situations where it’s true that I can’t dismiss it anymore.
So now when someone gives me advice that sounds wrong, I don’t immediately dismiss it. I hold it. I test it against situations I encounter. I try it — reluctantly — when obvious approaches aren’t working. And I pay attention to whether it works.
Because some of the best advice sounds terrible when you first hear it. And some of the worst advice sounds perfectly sensible. The difference isn’t in how it sounds — it’s in whether it works when you actually try it.
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Frequently Asked Questions
Why does counterintuitive advice so often turn out to be right?
Because most of our problem-solving instincts are calibrated for one type of problem — the kind that responds to effort, direct action, and persistence. But many important problems are a different type entirely: creative blocks, relationship tensions, complex systems, situations where your effort is itself part of the problem. Counterintuitive advice is often specifically pointing at this second category, which is why it keeps working in ways that contradict our first instincts.
How do you know when to try the counterintuitive approach versus pushing harder?
The clearest signal is diminishing returns — when you’ve already tried harder and things are getting worse, not better. Other signals include: the problem involves a complex system that resists direct control (relationships, creative work), you’re stuck in a way that suggests your unconscious mind needs space to work, or your effort itself seems to be creating tension that’s preventing resolution. If you’re in one of these situations and the obvious approach has clearly failed, the counterintuitive approach is worth trying.
What are examples of advice that sounds wrong but is often right?
The most consistent ones I’ve found: “Stop trying so hard” (stepping away from creative blocks usually works better than forcing); “The thing you’re avoiding is the thing you need to do” (avoidance is a signal, not a strategy); “You already know the answer” (most people who ask for advice already know what they need to do but want permission or validation); “Trying to be impressive makes you less impressive” (authentic competence is more compelling than performed confidence).
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